"The city is a million miles away" -Mirah

I came to the resolution lately that this year is about miles. Distance. I've been running many, many miles. And, traveling many, many miles. I've been moving a lot, and soon will be making my big move to PA. More miles. More distance.
I think that this year was already pre-determined for me, I just haven't realized it until now. Previous years haven't felt this way. Who was it? God? Is there really a God? I don't like how many people say he/she works in mysterious ways. Or, he/she has their own way of doing things. I just think that your reactions, actions, and decisions actually determine how your life will be. At least, in my experiences, that seems to be the case. I don't pray. I've prayed before. I've studied the Tanakh. Everything. I think the best religion at this point in my life is believing in myself.
I have also been thinking lately that how absurd life can be. Just the time of events, the way my mind works, and how people are they way they are. I look back at the things I've gone through, and really think that somehow I was created so differently from others that sometimes I surprise myself. In the past, I've followed what was mainstream, but knew something wasn't right. Because, well, I'm not mainstream. I have always been different. I just don't think I knew how to express it without feeling hesitant.
I've missed my friends a lot. It's so odd. It's not like I would see them very often. I just miss the sociability and camaraderie. I'm hoping I'll be able to make a couple good friends in nursing school. That's all I ask!
The Israel Film Festival is in town. Babulya and I have seen three movies so far. And, they have all been really really good! We saw Seven Minutes in Heaven (about a girl's life after being on a bus that was bombed... with a twist), For My Father (about an Arab who comes Israel to get revenge, but in the meantime is treated with compassion by the Jews he meets), and Kirot (a Ukrainian woman that comes to work in Israel gets caught up with the wrong people). I just feel like these films are covering all the bases. Today we are seeing The Green Dumpsters and the Worst Company in the World (a documentary). And, then Jaffa on Thursday.
More to come soon.

Here we go!

I've officially completed my FAFSA and have filled out some of the necessary forms for financial aid through Villanova University. I'm finally at the point where I can really start applying for scholarships, too! I will be driving from Michigan to PA the end of March to find an apartment. It will be an interesting nine+ hour drive. After I've found my amazing wonderful perfect (keep dreaming... right?) apartment, I'm going to go visit my sister who only lives an hour and forty five minutes from my school (not considering traffic). So close, right?
I'm almost out of my funk of my weird feelings. Sometimes it creeps back up, but I'm fighting any wandering thoughts. I think being pulled out of your comfortable world into a totally new existence isn't easy to deal with in general. But, at the same time, I think that I really won't have time to be all boohoo once I move for nursing school because shit, that stuff is going to be demanding! I want to get all my feelings of sadness out and deal with what I can and just move on. Because, well, I am really excited to move. I want to meet interesting people and have a place to call my own.
My aunt and uncle from New York are in town. Last night they came over for tea, wine, and dessert. It was pleasant. Nothing too exciting has been going on here. It's been windy lately. I'm still working out a ton and am pleased with the results I have been seeing.
Ciao.

By the way- Happy Birthday Dedulya. I miss you every day. I won't be able to ever fill the void for Babulya, but I'm damn near close.

So many feelings.

These last few days have been filled with extraordinary emotions. Extraordinary in a very unusual way.
I have been having that jarring, stabbing, aching feeling of loneliness. My sleeping patterns have been bizarre: going to bed at 3:00am and sleeping until whenever because whatever. I have been thinking a lot, like every hour about moving and school. Everyone says that I'll be okay, that I should be excited, blah blah blah. I am so fucking nervous that I wake up at night feeling alone (even though my Babulya is in the other room) and start to get that image in my head of being in a very large, dark room, with no one in sight.
I specifically want to live alone because I know that even though I say I like having people around, I really don't like it when it comes to roommates that are random people. I know how neurotic I get when I am overwhelmed with school, so it is not worth the money a month to having the additional stress. Trust me, I can find SOMETHING that irritates me. It's not a good quality, haha. This doctor that I worked for in Okemos always said that when he was in medical school, one of the best decisions he made was living alone. That was my initial push that I really want that. I have never lived alone. I had my own room when my sister moved out, but then there are your parents that are your roommates. I had my own bathroom in a few apartments back at MSU, but then you share the kitchen and living room and then all those responsibilities involved with that. I just don't want to deal with it! There! Humph!
I think that having my family only a hour away, my boyfriend at that time always mine and near, and my friends always ready to hang out made me content.
I know I will make new friends. I am really excited and hopeful. I have a good friend Jon that already lives in Philly and is excited for my move so we can wine, dine, and so on. I'm just ANXIOUS. I don't know how to shake it off, and it's annoying.
Pfff. Sad post today, guys. On a good note, I'm going to look so in shape by the time I leave Florida it's going to be unreal. I don't have anything else to do! Florida is weird!!! I will be visiting some thrift stores these next few days. Oh, and I want to go to the flea market and check out some other malls.
A special shout out to Leontine and Maia for being so lovely. I love you.